


Boom

by Chipper99



Series: Destiel One Shots [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Heavy Angst, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Season 15 Episode 18, Season 15 Episode 18 Spoilers, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:46:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27438304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chipper99/pseuds/Chipper99
Summary: He has to stop him. He has to. Sam was right, there was always another way. They’d find another way. It didn’t matter he knew full well they had a minute at most before that door came down. It didn’t matter that he knew, deep down, that Cas’ plan was the only one they got.He couldn’t lose him.Not again. Not now.‘Why does this sound like a goodbye?’Cas almost looked like he was going to laugh. Perhaps because this should have been blatantly obvious from the start. Perhaps because Dean shouldn’t have even had to ask.‘Because it is.’* * *A short fic based on 15x18, detailing Dean's thoughts during the scene. Basically, I needed to write out my angst.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Destiel One Shots [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514507
Comments: 5
Kudos: 99
Collections: SPN Finale "Destiel is CANON" Collection





	Boom

He can still hear it.

It’s been echoing in his head, bouncing around endlessly for… for… how long has it been now? A few seconds? Minutes? Days? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care.

**_Boom._ **

He didn’t think that was what the sound of Death approaching would be like. He had been expecting… a gunshot, perhaps. The bullet cracking, whistling as it flies towards him. Claws or teeth on flesh, maybe? His skin tearing apart, crimson blood spilling from his body with every fading heartbeat, until there’s nothing.

Instead, it was this.

**_Boom._ **

Infected, dying hands pounding on the door. The only thing separating him and Cas from the end. It was almost like she was knocking for permission, asking to come in. Funny, in a way. As if Death had to be permitted to reap them. If Billy was going to go down, she was going to take them with her. She was savoring it.

**_Boom._ **

Something else, something new after that. A crackling sound, fizzing with power, or more accurately, power fading. Cas had tried to buy them more time. Of course he would. But they both knew it was only a temporary solution. A _very_ temporary solution. That door was going to come down. It was going to shatter into pieces, and then there would be Death; in all her glory, ready to do what she’s always wanted, this whole time. Chuck didn’t matter to her anymore. It was all about _them._

**_Boom._ **

It was his fault. _His_ fault. It had been there again, that _anger._ It’s almost like back then, he knows. Right there, with Cas, Jack and Sam. He knew he should have stayed with them. They _all_ should have stayed together. But no, he couldn’t let this go. Chuck should have been _dead_ now, but he wasn’t. Someone needed to die, one of these cosmic _assholes_ needed to die, and Billy had served herself right up on a silver platter, scythe and all.

Now look where it had got them. Yes, them. Because Cas said he’d go with him. Because that’s Cas. He had done it before, hadn’t he? Years ago now, when they had been facing yet _another_ being of infinite power. It wasn’t as if it had been a moment of confusion, a moment where Cas had _forgotten._ Cas knew that this was a suicide mission. That when that bomb in his chest went off, it would take him and Amara with it, and _anyone_ else nearby. And yet…

‘ _I could go with you…’_

He had shut him down, then. Because it wasn’t a moment of anger. He was… he had accepted that it was going to go like this. He was the one to take on the Mark, to be the one responsible for Amara’s escape. It was his punishment. He always knew he’d go out saving the world, and this was it. But he was _not_ going to take anyone else down with him. His family would live. They would live, and they would move on, because that’s what they deserved. But Sam wouldn’t move on alone, he knew that. Sam wouldn’t handle losing both of them.

So, he had stopped him.

**_Boom._ **

But… but he hadn’t questioned _why._ Why did Cas want to go with him? He hadn’t really taken the time after. Mom… Mom was back, and Sammy was in danger, another mess to sort out. Then when he had him back, when Mom was in his life one more and Cas had thrown himself at him, arms wrapped tight around his shoulders as he exclaimed his name in disbelief, no _relief_ he was alive, it didn’t seem to matter anymore. They were alright.

Now? Now he _knows._

**_Boom._ **

It was unfair, really. Five minutes. At least, he thinks it was only that long. Five minutes they had been in that room, at Death's door. Well, Death at _their_ door. It had all happened so _fast._

He had a plan. Castiel had a _plan,_ and for that small, sweet moment, he thought they’d make it. They’d get out of another mess he had thrown them into. But then something strange happened.

Castiel was _smiling._

Small, at first, yet bigger than most smiles he’s seen from Cas. Lips curling at the corners, crow eyes crinkling away, and a glossy sheen to his eyes that Dean _never_ wants to see. Had he seen Cas cry before? He isn’t sure. Not even when Jack died, he thinks. Perhaps because Cas refused to believe it. Perhaps because, deep down, Cas knew Jack would be back. He had smiled, then.

Dean would rather that smile than _this._

**_Boom._ **

It had taken him a while to realize what Cas was saying. A deal, _another_ deal, That’s them, isn’t it? That’s the Winchester trope. But this was nothing like any crossroad deal. This was… this was _sadistic._ It wasn’t as if the Empty had been the one to bring Jack back to life. That had been _them._ It had simply… let them go. Like Jack was its property. And now, it had claimed Cas. But it would only take Cas once he was happy.

You could probably understand why it hadn’t clicked in his head yet. What did the deal have to do with what was happening right now? What could _possibly_ make Cas happy enough for the Empty to come and claim the deal? And how would losing Cas stop Death? It made no _sense._

That’s all he knew. The logistics of it. If Cas is happy, the deal is done. If Cas is happy, Dean _loses_ him. And here’s Cas, smiling up at him with tears spilling from his glassy eyes and _no, no, no, don’t smile!_ He can’t smile, not with this. Not when he knows what it’s leading to.

**_Boom._ **

He doesn’t want to hear it. _None of it._ He doesn’t want to hear Cas telling him the things others have tried to. He doesn’t want to hear him telling him what he _can’t_ accept about himself. Because it’s _not_ true, and watching Cas practically singing his praises with tears streaming down his face and smiling up at him like Dean is the only thing that matters only reinforces the realization of what Cas is trying to do.

‘ _I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. But I cared about the whole world… because of you.’_

He has to stop him. He _has_ to. Sam was right, there was always another way. They’d find another way. It didn’t matter he knew full well they had a minute at most before that door came down. It didn’t matter that he knew, deep down, that Cas’ plan was the only one they got.

He couldn’t lose him.

_Not again. Not now._

‘ _Why does this sound like a goodbye?’_

Cas almost looked like he was going to laugh. Perhaps because this should have been blatantly obvious from the start. Perhaps because Dean shouldn’t have even had to ask.

‘ _Because it is.’_

**_Boom._ **

‘ _I love you.’_

And there it was. Those three words. And somehow his smile brightened even more for a moment, even when the tears kept coming; almost like it was a great relief to say it. Dean didn’t need to say anything in response, and he thinks Cas knew that, too. He wasn’t waiting with bated breath for Dean’s answer, there was no hope brewing behind his eyes. There was just happiness.

That’s what it couldn’t be. That was the _one_ thing Cas couldn’t feel. But he was.

_‘Don’t do this, Cas.’_

Don’t tell me that. Take it back. Go back to before, before you were happy. It was selfish of him to say, but he didn’t want Cas to be happy. Not if it ended like this. Not if his happiness took him away.

**_Boom._ **

He nearly didn’t hear that one. Or at least, didn’t register it. Because something was moving behind him, something whispering out into the room, almost in _excitement._ The Empty had been waiting for this. The inky blackness of it seemed to grow from the wall, opening wider and wider until he was staring into the abyss.

He was too late. He couldn’t stop it.

**_Boom._ **

The warding had failed. One more hit, and the door had come swinging open. One pissed off entity behind him, the other in front of him, but all he could do was look at Cas. Look at that damn smile still plastered onto his face, the _acceptance_ that Dean had felt back then, when he thought it was his time.

Now he understands.

‘ _I could go with you…’_

Cas’s hand is on his shoulder, warm blood seeping through his shirt. Same shoulder, every time. Always the left, _always_ the left. It was what Cas did, the only way he knew to comfort Dean. A hand on the shoulder, the reassurance that everything would be okay. They’d find a way out.

It wasn’t like that this time.

‘ _Goodbye, Dean.’_

One last reminder that the man in front of him _wasn’t_ a man. A last display of strength as Dean is flung to the ground, colliding with the wall as he collapsed into a heap. One last look, one last teary smile at him, and all Dean can do is stare agape up at him, watch what he can’t stop.

It had taken Billy, first. An arm like appendage shooting out like a bullet, enveloping her in that inky blackness and sucking her away. And then… then it was on Cas. It had crawled up his body, savoring every inch of skin it claimed, and the last image of Cas that Dean would ever see was that smile of acceptance before that too was gone. Nothing more now than a shadow, an outline of his best friend for just that millisecond, torturing Dean with his figure and then…

Gone. Gone as quickly as it had come, shrinking away with one last whisper.

Quiet. Silence. He interrupted the silence with his own ragged breaths, head whipping from the spot on the wall it had erupted to the spot Castiel had stood in, some delirious part of his mind expecting Cas to still be standing there, smiling.

Nothing. It was empty.

The call didn’t make him jump. He hadn’t felt it at first, hadn’t even heard the irritating buzzing sound in his pocket. At least, not until it had rung again. His body had been moving on autopilot, pulling out the phone and staring blankly down at the glare of the screen.

**_Calling_ **

**_Sam_ **

He needs to answer that. Something could have gone wrong. Jack, maybe? Charlie? Donna? Bobby? The others?

It continues to vibrate in his numbed hands. He hadn’t realized he had dropped the phone until he heard the vibrations become more intense, the phone sliding across the concrete floor. He didn’t have the strength to pick it back up. He didn’t have the strength to tell them.

His head dropped into his hands, fingers scratching across his scalp, passing through the short strands of hair, tugging painfully at their roots. He needed something, _anything,_ a different pain to the one that was clawing up his chest.

He couldn’t fall into it. He couldn’t let himself feel it. Because he knows he’ll never come out of it.

The dam breaks. One quiet sniffle, the squeeze of his throat, the burning in his eyes. The phone keeps buzzing, a shocking loudness in the quiet of the room, only broken by his quiet sobs.

But it’s not what he hears. It’s not what echoes in his head.

**_Boom._ **

‘ _I love you.’_

**_Boom._ **

_‘I love you.’_

**_Boom._ **

_‘_ _I love you.'_


End file.
